Trauma Bonding And Addiction
Trauma bonding and addiction are intrinsically linked, as substance misuse is often a coping mechanism for the emotional and mental stress these relationships place on an individual.
The Link Between Trauma Bonding And Addiction
A trauma bond is the unhealthy attachment or emotional connection between an abuser and the victim. In trauma bonds, the abuser has an immense amount of power over the victim because of the dependency that forms in the cyclical pattern of abuse that occurs. Trauma bonds are often seen in relationships where one or both parties struggle with drug and alcohol addiction.
There is a strong correlation between trauma bonding and substance abuse because both share underlying triggers, such as isolation, low self-esteem, feelings of hopelessness, and chronic stress.
What Does A Trauma Bond Look Like?
A trauma bond occurs when there is a power imbalance in a relationship (such as child-parent or romantic entanglements) and a cycle of reward and punishment. The person in power (the abuser) will continually hurt, harm, and soothe until the person being abused is so confused and overwhelmed that they struggle to leave the relationship.
Contrary to the popularized use of the term in the media, specifically on social media, trauma bonding does not mean that two people bond over shared trauma.
It involves both positive and negative feelings towards the abuser, known as cognitive dissonance, which is a state of discomfort a person experiences when they hold two conflicting beliefs. This cognitive dissonance makes it difficult for the abused person to leave the relationship as they often feel confused, overwhelmed, attached, and dependent on their abuser.
Often, the victim of abuse will have mixed feelings towards their abuser because abusers often demonstrate fluctuating patterns of emotions and behaviors ranging from manipulation and physical abuse to love bombing, affection, and apologizing.
When you bond with an abuser, whether it is a parent, romantic partner, or friend, you form a trauma bond. It may be difficult to recognize these abusive patterns, especially when you are in the “thick of it” and do not have an outside perspective. As a result, you are more at risk of jumping into unhealthy relationships with others and using unhealthy behaviors to cope with this emotional trauma.
If you are in need of support or safety from a dangerous relationship, call the national domestic abuse hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential assistance and resources.
Why Do Trauma Bonds And Addiction Co-Occur?
Individuals who develop substance use disorders (SUDs) often have a past associated with trauma, abuse, or neglect and use drugs or alcohol to cope with their unresolved feelings.
Past trauma can lead people to gravitate towards addictive behaviors such as abusing alcohol, drugs, and staying in toxic relationships. Hence why, trauma bonds and substance abuse can often co-occur. Substance abuse may connect individuals with others who also use drugs and alcohol, which increases the risk of forming toxic relationships.
Severe drug addiction increases the risk of ending up in undesirable situations, such as trouble with the law, prostitution, and debt. Being in one of these situations may open the door for an abuser to enter and begin the process of creating a trauma bond.
Trauma bonding can also lead to addiction because the victim may turn to drugs or alcohol as an unhealthy coping mechanism to numb painful emotions and as a way to escape the abuse.
Signs That You Are In A Trauma Bond
If you suspect you may be a part of a trauma bond, here are some common signs to look out for:
- Inability to express or state your feelings or opinions without the fear of upsetting the other person
- Changing your behavior to appease the other person
- Being unable to walk away from unhealthy relationships
- Obsessing over people who have hurt you
- Setting boundaries that are ignored
- Depending on the person to determine your needs and happiness
- Making excuses for your partner’s poor behaviors
- Your abuser is controlling and manipulative
- Gaslighting
- Distancing yourself from loved ones
- Thinking the abuse or substance abuse is your fault
- Lying to your loved ones about your abuser’s behavior
These are not signs of a healthy relationship, and if these signs exist in your interpersonal relationships, it may be time to evaluate and remove yourself from them if necessary.
The Stages Of Trauma Bonding
The repetitive and addictive cycle of trauma bonding is filled with intense love and excitement, followed by episodes of abuse, neglect, and mistreatment. This cyclical pattern of being devalued and then rewarded creates a hormonal bond between the victim and their abuser. Each trauma is unique, but most of them have the same underlying patterns that are seen below.
Love Bombing
Love bombing is when someone overly displays affection through actions and words. Examples include grand gestures such as constantly sending flowers, writing poetry, paying for vacations, buying gifts, and constant words of affection such as “I love you” in the first week of the relationship.
This often happens early in a relationship or after a big fight as a way to “make up” for their wrongful behavior. Having someone give you this much attention may feel disorientating and can be a red flag for gaslighting, narcissistic, or sociopathic behavior.
Trust
The abuser’s goal is to gain your trust through love bombing and acts of kindness. They will go out of their way to show you that you can rely on them in any situation.
Dependency
Once an abuser gains your trust, you may find that you rely on your partner more and more for things. Your abuser may shut you out from your friends and family, provide you with money and shelter so you are financially dependent on them, introduce and provide addictive drugs, so that you rely on them to avoid withdrawal symptoms, and make it so that you do not want to leave them because you are dependent on them.
Criticism
In the criticism stage of the trauma bond cycle, your abuser will start to devalue you by gaslighting you, devaluing your self-esteem, and judging everything you do to the point that you begin to believe that you are in the wrong. If you both use drugs or alcohol, they may claim that your substance abuse is much worse than theirs and has caused every issue in the relationship. This part of the cycle is confusing because this criticism often comes without warning, and you may not understand where it comes from.
Manipulation And Gaslighting
If you try to speak out about your feelings and your abuser’s behavior, they will often make statements such as:
- “You are imagining this”
- “You are crazy”
- “You are exaggerating”
The abuser will blame you for situations that have gone wrong, isolate you from your friends and family, lie to you, control where you go, who you see, and how you spend your money, deny their words and behaviors, and intimidate you.
They may say or do abusive things while intoxicated and refuse to apologize or even acknowledge their behavior the next day. This may result in you questioning your own reality.
Submission
The submission stage is when you often “give in” to your abuser as a coping mechanism to prevent the abuse from going further and to be able to survive the day-to-day and keep yourself safe. You may be aware the abuse is occurring but not aware of its extent. You may be afraid of talking about how their substance abuse affects you, so you downplay it and do not hold them accountable.
In this stage, you may not have a clear pattern of thought on how to seek help and get away from the relationship, especially if you are isolated from friends and family.
Loss Of Self
Loss of self means that you are so dependent on your abuser that you do not recognize yourself. You may be extremely depressed and suicidal and are simply “going through the motions” to appease your abuser. You have likely given up hobbies or other activities that used to bring you joy, and may be drinking alcohol or using drugs to numb yourself.
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Repetition Of The Addictive Cycle
Trauma bonds form out of the basic human need for attachment as a means of survival, and once dependency occurs, the abuse can get worse until the abuser promises never to repeat these actions, showers the victim with love and affection and once again, the abuser regains the trust of their victim. This involves a very complex emotional cycle in which even people who seem emotionally strong become victims.
Risk Factors Associated With Trauma Bonding
While the presence of these factors does not guarantee a trauma bond will develop, they can put a person at a greater risk of falling into one. Risk factors include:
- Insecure attachments
- Unhealthy childhood bonds/mistreatment
- Poor social support
- Exposure to abusive relationships growing up
- Low self-esteem
- Substance abuse
Common situations where these heightened risks are present include:
- Domestic abuse
- Human trafficking
- Elder abuse
- Kidnapping
- Incest
- Cults
Childhood Abuse And Trauma Bonding
Child abuse, poor childhood bonding, growing up in a home with drug and alcohol abuse, and witnessing abusive relationships during childhood are all high-risk factors for developing a trauma bond later in life.
In childhood, not only is the child’s personality and character being molded, but their nervous system is also developing. When a child is surrounded by abusive caretakers or is in a chaotic, frightening, or erratic home environment, their nervous system becomes flooded with stress hormones, and their ability to self-regulate becomes compromised. As a result, they associate love with instability and become drawn to insecure attachment patterns.
Growing up in this chronically stressful home environment, such as a home where the parent abuses drugs or alcohol, primes the nervous system to be in a continual “fight or flight state.” As the child grows into adulthood, they are wired to be drawn to unhealthy attachment patterns in relationships. They may unknowingly seek out romantic partners who abuse drugs or alcohol because they associate this kind of behavior with their caregivers from their childhood.
Trauma Bond’s Impact On Addiction Recovery
Trauma bonds can create many challenges in addiction recovery because the individual is addicted to both toxic relationships and drugs or alcohol. Relapse may be more common in these cases because the person must first create an emotionally stable environment and healthy boundaries before they can work on their sobriety.
If the individual continues to go back to the toxic cycle of trauma bonding, they are more prone to relapse because they are not in an emotionally safe place to stop relying on drugs and alcohol to mend their feelings.
Abusers may even encourage their victim to abuse drugs and alcohol, as it keeps them dependent. Thankfully, there are treatment programs that can help people in abusive relationships get clean and stay safe.
Treatment providers work with many insurances, including:
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How To Overcome A Trauma Bond When Addiction Is Involved
Overcoming a trauma bond is challenging but manageable with the proper support, often including therapy, patience, and time. It means not only removing yourself from toxic attachments and quitting substance use, but also building healthy relationships, boundaries, and self-esteem.
Addiction treatment can provide support and peer groups focused on developing positive self-talk and self-care. To learn more about your treatment options, contact a treatment provider risk-free.