Does My Partner Need Rehab?

How To Know If Your Significant Other Needs Rehab

Living with a romantic partner who is struggling with an addiction is heartbreaking and stressful. It’s common for people struggling with addiction to burn bridges to the point they have isolated themselves and have no social support, including from their partners.

You may have been living under the same roof for years and just recently noticed there is a problem, as signs were subtle and the addiction grew over time. Or maybe you have known for a while but have been in denial or have been exhibiting enabling behaviors. Maybe a drastic incident occurred, such as a DUI, a physical altercation, the loss of a job, or a financial crisis that has left you with no choice but to face your partner’s addiction. While difficult, if you are concerned about your partner, it means that you are fighting to maintain a very important relationship.

Addiction can be deadly and destroy relationships and families. Fortunately, studies have shown that getting help in the early stages of addiction, also known as early intervention, has the most promising results. You don’t have to hit rock bottom or be at the end of your hope before rehab is an option.

Whether its your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife, if your partner is showing any signs of addiction and is unable to change their behavior on their own, they most likely need rehab.

Here are some common signs your partner may have an addiction:

How Substance Abuse Affects Relationships And Marriage

Relationships and marriage, even in perfect harmony, are a lot of work. They are based on trust, open and honest communication, and love. Unfortunately, misusing alcohol and drugs can create trust issues within a relationship, break down communication barriers, and destroy the foundation of a relationship.

Domestic Violence And Emotional Abuse

Alcohol abuse often leads to inhibited behavior, aggression, and angry outbursts that can result in physical, sexual, and verbal abuse. A minor disagreement can quickly spiral into an angry outburst when alcohol is involved, as alcohol heightens emotions and impairs clear thinking.

This volatile environment can quickly become physical; your partner may push, hit, or choke you, or break items around the home and throw objects. Physical and emotional abuse involving alcohol can be confusing in a marriage, especially when your partner seems to be a different person when they are not under the influence. These alcoholic outbursts can quickly lead to a pattern of regret and remorse followed by patterns of abuse, which turns into a vicious cycle of domestic violence.

This can result in long-term emotional scars that develop into trust issues, low self-esteem, and fear. When there are children involved, violent outbursts between parents can result in long-term effects. Children who witness domestic abuse and substance abuse have a higher rate of mental health and substance abuse disorders as they move into adulthood.

Misbalance Of Responsibilities 

A partner who abuses substances may neglect household responsibilities, which can create a fracture in the relationship because the other partner has to pick up the slack. Whether it is school drop off/pick up, household chores, paying the bills, or grocery shopping, having to pick up the slack can create a lot of stress and exhaustion for you, which can leave you feeling unsupported in the relationship.

Lying 

Whether it is lying about staying late at work when your partner is actually out at a bar, lying is a common sign of substance abuse in a relationship. A relationship that is based on lies can lead to mistrust and can rock the foundation. The lies can become worse and lead to infidelity or legal problems.

Neglect And Isolation 

Addiction often results in broken relationships because the sober partner often feels neglected. Substances take priority over quality time and responsibility, and as a result, you may find yourself at home waiting for your spouse to come home or spending your weekend engaging in plans without your partner. If your partner is intoxicated most evenings, it is impossible to rely on them for support, and you may start relying on others when you should be able to rely on your significant other.

You may even make excuses for their absence, which is a sign of enabling, and try to convince yourself that this is not a huge deal, which can lead to even more loneliness and self-doubt.

Supporting A Partner Without Enabling

The best way to support your partner who is struggling with addiction is to have an open and honest conversation about how you feel. It is important to use words like “I feel…” instead of using shaming language. Explain that you are worried about their well-being, about your marriage, and how their substance use is affecting them.

The goal is to create a safe space where you can both discuss how you are feeling to try to understand each other in hopes of seeking professional help. It is important to communicate your own needs and to be clear about how their drinking is affecting you and your marriage.

Express your desires for therapy and rehab and offer to help them seek help or go to therapy with them if they are open to it. If you would like added support, you can always consider staging an intervention with an addiction specialist.

Holding space for yourself and seeking help for your own needs is also a form of support. You must show up for yourself if you want to show up for your partner, and sometimes this means going to therapy on your own, joining a support group, spending time with friends and family, getting enough rest, making sure you are still enjoying your hobbies and passions, and creating clear boundaries for yourself.

These boundaries can be as simple as having alone time, not engaging with your spouse if they are intoxicated, and not engaging in any type of disagreement if they are not in a healthy mindset. If you do have an issue with their behavior, you want to approach it from a place of love and concern rather than bickering about their flaws, as blame often leads to shame, which fuels the cycle of addiction.

Recognize Codependent Traits In Yourself

The term codependency was first coined for partners living with those who have a substance use disorder. It is now used across most relationships, and although it is not a mental health disorder, it can wreak havoc on anyone’s mental health.

Codependency is when someone suppresses their own needs and happiness for the sake of pleasing others. The other person cannot exist without you, and you feel you cannot exist without this other person due to these unhealthy patterns of “self-sacrifice.”

You mirror your partner’s emotions, meaning that you feel happy when your partner is happy, and you feel sad when your partner is sad. You give up on your desires and passions to keep your partner happy; your compassion for your partner has changed to a compulsion.

If you feel like you are showing signs of codependency, here are some questions to ask yourself:

• Do you only feel good about yourself if you are helping your partner/spouse?
• Do you feel guilty when you take time for yourself or only focus on yourself?
• Do you handle most of the responsibilities in the relationship because of your partner’s drinking?
• Are you scared that your partner will leave you?
• Are you constantly trying to please your partner?
• Are you only happy when your partner is happy?
• Do you enable your partner and their drinking behavior?

Recognize Enabling Traits In Yourself

Enabling and codependency are very similar, and many mental health professionals believe that enabling is a symptom of codependency. Enabling is any type of behavior that allows your spouse or partner to continue using alcohol without experiencing any of the consequences. Enabling sometimes occurs because you care about your partner, do not want to see them in trouble or hurt, and genuinely want to protect them out of a space of compassion and love.

However, enabling someone who abuses alcohol or drugs is harmful because it worsens their addiction, and over time, this enabling behavior can turn into a codependent relationship. If you are enabling your partner to the point that you are sacrificing your own happiness or well-being, then you are exhibiting codependent patterns.

Examples of enabling behaviors include:

• Covering up their substance use
• Making excuses why they can’t attend family events because they are hungover
• Giving them money for substances
• Ignoring that your partner comes home drunk
• Defending your partner’s addictive behaviors
• Downplaying the seriousness of their addiction
• Fixing their mistakes when they are intoxicated
• Drinking around them
• Bailing your partner out of jail after multiple DUIs
• Paying their legal fees
• Lying to family and friends about your partner’s patterns

How Can You Tell If You’re Supporting A Partner Versus Enabling? 

There is a fine line between supporting and enabling behaviors, and oftentimes, people think they are supporting their partner when they are actually enabling their addiction. They often do not know the difference until they seek therapy or their partner goes to rehab.

Supporting a partner means providing open and honest communication, setting boundaries, offering treatment resources, expressing your concerns, and listening. Acknowledge they have an addiction and explain that you want to help them get better but set boundaries so you are not sacrificing your own happiness or well-being.

Some examples of these boundaries include:

• Do not drink with or around your spouse
• Do not make excuses or cover up for them
• Do not purchase alcohol/drugs for them
• Do not engage with them if they are intoxicated
• Disengage in conversations that become toxic, angry, and overly emotional

While it will take willpower to enforce these boundaries, they can often be the necessary catalyst for change when your partner needs rehab.

Can I Force My Spouse Into Rehab?

You cannot force your spouse into going to rehab, and even if you could, their chances of successfully completing rehab are low because they must acknowledge their addiction and have the desire to change to be successful in their treatment journey.

However, you can keep an open dialogue with your partner about treatment and rehab options. To help start and maintain this dialogue, here are some things to consider

• You can research rehabs that may be a good fit and offer to go to therapy with your partner to show support.
• Remember that ultimatums and threatening to leave the relationship to “force” your spouse to enter rehab often backfire. These can potentially drive a bigger wedge between you and your partner.
• Set boundaries and protect yourself, and if these are continually broken, you have the option to leave the relationship.
• Have a deliberate plan in place with logical steps if you decide to leave the relationship.

Ultimately, whatever your decision, it’s important to remember that you are not responsible for your partners addiction or recovery, but you can be a source of support when they are ready.

Together, you and your partner can explore our rehab directory or contact a treatment provider to learn more about the rehab options available to them and start looking toward a healthier, happier future.