How To Set And Keep Boundaries With Someone Struggling With Addiction

The Importance Of Setting Boundaries

Addiction to drugs or alcohol not only takes a toll on the individual living with an addiction, but it also takes a toll on their loved ones and the community surrounding them. Those with addiction often push the boundaries of people around them, but as loved ones, we often fail to set and maintain them,

Boundaries can be blurred, crossed, or non-existent because people prioritize drugs and alcohol over values, ethics, relationships, and self-worth. As a result, they may have damaged their reputation, ruined relationships, entered into financial turmoil or legal trouble, lost custody of children, and lost jobs and housing.

Whether your loved one is actively struggling with a substance use disorder (SUD) or seeking addiction treatment, setting clear, healthy boundaries can protect your relationship, your values, your mental health, and your self-esteem.

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries are invisible protective barriers that reflect the values and needs you place around yourself. They are put in place to protect yourself and your cherished relationships with others.

A boundary is not an ultimatum; it is a decision that you make for yourself of what you choose to accept. When a boundary is violated, you may choose to remove yourself from the situation. Boundaries are not meant to force others to do what you want, but to protect yourself and your needs.

Physical, emotional, and personal moral boundaries are three types of boundaries commonly practiced in addiction recovery.

Physical Boundaries 

Physical boundaries include values and beliefs associated with physical space. For example, not allowing someone to touch you in any way or touch you on certain parts of your body is an example of a physical boundary. If someone violates this boundary and touches you after you directly told them not to, you may remove yourself from the room or the home.

Other physical boundaries include not allowing certain things in the home or in your personal space that could be of harm, such as drugs and alcohol. You may also set a boundary that you will not be physically around someone who is using drugs or alcohol.

Emotional Boundaries 

Emotional boundaries prioritize your emotions and prevent others from dumping or projecting them onto you. You may feel shame, guilt, and blame when needing to set boundaries with a loved one, but remember that it is good to recognize these feelings, accept them, and grow.

If someone is violating your emotional boundaries, you may disengage in conversation with them until they are able to have a mature, level-headed talk with you.

Internal Boundaries

Your personal beliefs, morals, and ethics guide your personal or internal boundaries. This could mean distancing yourself from situations, people, or places that make you feel uncomfortable. Taking the moral high ground can mean not enabling your friends who struggle with addiction, no more lying, or no more engaging in thoughts and actions that go against your moral compass, which only you can be accountable for.

This may mean you must be more in tune with yourself, take accountability, practice empathy and gratitude, and do this without anyone knowing, which often makes this boundary the most difficult to maintain.

Examples of healthy boundaries for everyday life include:

• Expecting to be treated with respect and dignity
• Saying “no” if something doesn’t align with your values
• Expressing what you want from someone
• Taking responsibility for your emotions and actions

Boundaries To Set For An Addicted Loved One

It is important to keep in mind that boundaries are not set to control the thoughts and behaviors of your addicted loved one but rather to set guidelines to protect yourself. Healthy boundaries that are set for an addicted loved one ensure that you are not taken advantage of or abused during the throes of their addiction.

Boundaries can be uncomfortable at first, but they are an example of personal growth. The more you practice and establish boundaries, the easier it will become to hold steadfast in your values to protect yourself.

Some examples of healthy boundaries to set for an addicted loved one include:

• Not allowing drugs or alcohol in the home
• Not allowing them to use or be intoxicated around you
• Following through with the consequences you set
• Not buying them substances
• Not bailing them out of legal trouble
• Not allowing them to engage with you when they are intoxicated
• Not allowing them to blame you or make you a scapegoat
• Not giving them money
• Not allowing them into your home if you feel unsafe
• Not communicating with them or having a relationship with them until they seek help
• Not allowing them to borrow your car
• Holding them accountable if they miss therapy and support group meetings

How To Set Boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries is a process that requires introspection, reflection, standing up for yourself, communication, and action.

Consider Your Values And Priorities 

The first step in setting healthy boundaries is taking time to think about your priorities and values. Start by asking yourself:

• What makes me happy?
• What makes me uncomfortable?
• What triggers me?
• What situations do I want to avoid?
• What is the most important part of my day?

You then want to set boundaries that align with these priorities and values. For example, if your favorite part of the day is your morning routine, then set boundaries to prioritize this and ensure that you are not interrupted during this time. If your home is your safe space, establish boundaries that protect you in this environment, such as keeping certain people out of your home.

Communicate Clear And Specific Boundaries 

Once you have identified your needs and what is important to you, set clear boundaries and communicate these boundaries. If you are uncomfortable around intoxicated people, explain that and give specific reasons. Maybe this person has been intoxicated multiple times and has berated you in public. You want to give specific examples and not be vague, so the communication is loud and clear.

You can communicate unacceptable behaviors you will not tolerate by saying things such as “I am not comfortable with this,” “I will not tolerate this,” “I will not be spoken to like this,” or “I need to step away from this situation.”

You can be forward about communicating your boundaries but still do so in a compassionate and empathetic manner. You can also give examples of unacceptable behaviors that you will not tolerate. These can include using alcohol, lying or stealing, driving under the influence, or asking for money.

It’s important to also identify acceptable behaviors and highlight the difference between unacceptable behaviors with tangible examples.

Define Consequences 

If you are going to set boundaries, it is important to maintain them and take action if these boundaries are broken. People struggling with addiction will try to bend these boundaries and blatantly disregard these boundaries, especially if they are still abusing drugs and alcohol. Setting clear consequences and acting on these consequences when boundaries are crossed will help hold your loved ones accountable and also will protect you.

What are the consequences if:

• Your addicted loved one steals money from you?
• Your loved one comes home intoxicated?
• Your loved one skips recovery meetings?
• Your loved one borrows your car without asking?
• Your loved one verbally or physically assaults you?

Consequences can range from calling the police and no longer allowing them in your home to cutting them off financially, cutting off all lines of communication, or filing a restraining order.

Whatever consequences you need to protect yourself, your space, and your well-being are the consequences that should be enforced when your addicted loved one violates your boundaries.

How To Maintain Boundaries

Setting boundaries and maintaining boundaries may seem similar, but they are two separate topics. Setting boundaries mostly implicates yourself, while maintaining boundaries often involves others.

The most important part of maintaining a boundary is committing to the follow through. If you tell a loved one you will not answer the door if they arrive intoxicated, but do so anyways, this is violating your own boundary.

You must become comfortable with using the word “no”. Do not give in to what does not serve you. You do not need to explain or apologize; a “no” or “no, thank you” should suffice. Although it may feel painful or uncomfortable in the moment, keeping the door shut and holding your boundary in place is what is best for you and your loved one in the long run.

There are several ways you can stay strong during this process, including:

Maintaining A Good Support System 

Seeking support from friends and family is important when you are setting boundaries for a loved one who is struggling with an addiction. Friends can help you by engaging in conversations, spending quality time with you, and helping you solve an issue. They can give you support and advice or be a listening ear. They can also attend support groups such as Al-Anon with you.

Seeking Professional Support 

Addiction is a family disease, meaning that it affects not only the addict but also the loved ones around them. If you are a loved one of a person with a substance use disorder (SUD), you most likely need professional support on how to deal with the throes of addiction.

A trained mental health therapist can help you deal with issues associated with your loved one’s addiction, such as codependency, enabling, and poor self-care. Seeking professional support can help you learn healthy coping tools, help you learn how to establish and maintain boundaries, help you navigate codependency, and work through past trauma that stemmed from your loved one’s addiction.

Detaching And Keeping Your Distance 

Sometimes, it is best to take a break from your loved one because you are so negatively affected that it is causing damage to your mental health and your personal life. Taking a step back and detaching yourself from the relationship may be the best temporary or permanent solution. This can be especially true if you are dealing with codependency in the relationship.

If you feel that your happiness, worth, value, and self-esteem depend on this person, then you are exhibiting codependency and most likely need to step away. It is important to redefine yourself, your happiness, and your goals before you can re-establish this relationship. It also may be helpful to work through these codependency traits with your therapist or with your support group.

How To Find Support For Your Loved One Who Is An Alcoholic Or Addict

If you suspect your loved one is dealing with a SUD, there are many resources available to them to help them get the support they need. You can consider:

• Encouraging them to talk to their primary care physician or mental health specialist about their struggle
• Providing them with online resources, like the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) or VA website
• Staging an intervention if they are unable to acknowledge their addiction
• Providing them with information on inpatient and outpatient rehab options
• Explore our rehab directory or contact a treatment provider together to learn more about rehab options

Ultimately, while you can support your loved one on their recovery journey, you cannot make the decision to seek treatment for them. Sometimes, setting and maintaining your own boundaries is the wake-up call needed for them to seek help.