Addiction And Divorce

How Addiction Can Impact A Marriage

Addiction, whether from drugs or alcohol, can significantly impact a marriage in many ways, including emotionally, financially, physically, and mentally. Substance abuse within marriage is often hidden, which can create a world of lies and secrets, causing trust issues. Even when the addiction is exposed, as it worsens, it can create conflict, emotional detachment, and resentment. These factors can place immense strain and irreversible rifts on relationships that can ultimately lead to divorce.

Issues in a relationship that lead to divorce do not develop overnight; rather, they gradually evolve, creating small fractures in the relationship over time. Addiction slowly develops in the same way, creating many difficulties in a person’s life that can be hard to overcome.

Financial Strain 

A spouse who is struggling with substance abuse will go to great lengths to purchase drugs or alcohol, even selling off their possessions or going into debt. They may drain bank accounts, hide or steal money, or open credit cards and loans without telling their partner. Addiction is also a common reason for job loss.

Financial issues and debt without addiction are common reasons for contention in a marriage that can lead to divorce, so financial strain combined with the emotional toll of addiction can jeopardize a marriage.

Mistrust 

Addiction is a disease that involves compulsive acts to use drugs or alcohol, and as a result, the person will go to great lengths to fulfill these compulsions. This can mean lying to their spouse, stealing, hiding, or being faced with legal trouble and not being upfront with their spouse.

Keeping secrets and lying can lead to mistrust in a marriage, and when your partner no longer trusts you, the foundation of the marriage is shattered.

Intimacy Issues

Intimacy is heavily reliant on trust, and when trust within a marriage is broken, a partner may not feel safe and secure with their spouse and may keep emotional and physical distance. They may sleep in separate bedrooms and no longer disclose personal issues.

Alcohol and some drugs also affect sexual dysfunction, causing erectile dysfunction and decreased sexual desire, which can cause problems with physical intimacy.

Volatile Arguments And Conflict

Addiction often leads to many arguments and fights among spouses, especially if one spouse is under the influence or is caught in a lie. The cycle of mistrust, lies, arguments, and substance abuse can continue and may even fuel the person to continue to abuse drugs and alcohol as a way to cope with their stress and conflict.

Some of these arguments may lead to physical altercations, and domestic violence within a marriage can lead to feelings of chronic stress, fear, safety issues, and family instability, especially if children are involved.

These issues caused by addiction only widen the cracks in a relationship’s foundation and are often the final consideration leading to divorce.

Signs Your Spouse May Have An Addiction

While not everyone will present with the same signs, if you are concerned your spouse may be struggling with an addiction, common signs include:

• Neglecting responsibilities at home or work
• Legal trouble, such as driving under the influence, criminal activity, or fighting
• Secretive behavior
• Emotional distance and isolation
• Skipping family gatherings and events
• Financial trouble
• Lying and keeping secrets
• Abrupt changes in friends and social activities
• No longer spending time enjoying pastimes and hobbies
• Poor hygiene
• Frequent hangovers
• Unusual need for money
• Changes in weight
• Changes in sleep patterns
• Changes in behavior
• Changes in sexual patterns
• Mood swings, depression, angry outbursts

Displaying these behaviors does not guarantee that your loved one has an alcohol or substance use disorder (SUD). However, if many of these signs are present, it could indicate a need to have a conversation about substance use and its effects on your relationships.

Getting Help For Your Spouse

When talking to your spouse about their substance use, it is important to be empathetic and make the conversation about their well-being and not about them as a person.

It is essential to educate yourself on addiction and how addiction affects your partner, your marriage, your children, and yourself. Learn about the consequences of addiction so you have an idea of what your spouse is going through and what can happen if they do not seek help.

It is important to set healthy boundaries and tell them what you need from them regarding marriage and taking care of the children. Don’t make excuses for their behaviors or cover up their addiction because that is part of enabling your partner.

If you feel uncomfortable having this conversation alone, you may want to consider performing an intervention with an addiction professional who can offer resources and support.

It is important to remember that you cannot force your spouse to seek treatment, but you can guide them in the right direction. You can provide treatment options by showing them treatment facilities online or by providing them with brochures. You can go with them to a therapist or the doctor to discuss their addiction, and you can visit treatment facilities together. You want to support your spouse as they navigate their treatment journey, but you don’t want to do all the work for them; they must want to seek help and put in the work themselves.

When Divorce Is The Best Option

Addiction can lead to a cycle of mistrust that creates a volatile environment. If you have tried to reconcile with your partner and help them seek professional help, but they are still unwilling to change, you may have reached your breaking point.

If your safety, mental or physical well-being, or children’s well-being is at risk due to your partner’s addiction, then divorce may be the best option. Many people stay in their marriage even if the addiction has caused emotional and physical harm because they may fear repercussions from their spouse or believe that their spouse will eventually change. They may fear being lonely or financially unstable. They may even feel responsible for their spouse’s addiction and have feelings of guilt or shame. Talking things through with a trusted loved one or therapist may clarify your decision.

Divorce is a serious matter, but so is addiction and the tumultuous and potentially dangerous consequences that can arise from addiction within a marriage. If your safety or the safety of your children is at risk, it is time to leave.

Below are a few questions to ask yourself when you are considering divorce due to spousal addiction:

• Is your well-being or safety in jeopardy?
• How does your spouse’s addiction affect your mental and emotional health?
• Are you afraid of leaving?
• Are your boundaries being disrespected?
• Is your spouse actively seeking help and has a willingness to change?
• Do you believe having a healthy and fulfilling future together is still possible?

The answers to these questions help reveal your next step and if divorce is the safest option.

How To Leave A Spouse With A Substance Use Disorder

If you have decided to divorce your spouse because of their battle with addiction, preparing to leave requires careful planning and support.

Reach out to close family and friends you trust and ensure you have a secure support network and a temporary place to live. Make sure you have money set aside, and if children are involved, ensure they are safe. You may have to ask someone you trust to help watch your children while you figure out temporary housing and financial independence.

If your safety is at risk, leave as soon as possible. Alert the authorities, speak with an attorney, and consider a restraining order if you fear harm or retaliation from your spouse.

If your safety is not jeopardized, find a time to talk with your spouse about your decision. It is essential to remain calm and empathetic towards your partner and explain why you choose to leave. Use “I” statements instead of placing blame and accusations on your spouse. Express your care and concern for them beyond their addiction and encourage them to seek professional help. You can offer resources and support. It is up to you and your spouse to pursue court or mediation.

How Substance Abuse May Affect Divorce

Going through a divorce is emotionally and financially stressful without the added stressors of addiction. Drug and alcohol abuse can add fuel to the fire, heightening emotions throughout the divorce process.

Addiction can create cycles of harmful behaviors, heightened emotions, and manipulation. A spouse may use drugs and alcohol as a coping mechanism to get through the divorce proceedings, they may be under the influence during essential conversations and legal proceedings, and they may not show up for court dates or take responsibility.

If children are involved, the addiction may play a role in child custody. There may be court-mandated addiction treatment, and this can affect child custody. Addiction does not excuse a spouse of alimony or child support child custody. During divorce proceedings, the child’s well-being and safety are the priorities in the eyes of the law.

Understanding Child Custody In Divorces Due To Addiction

Filing for divorce and being granted a divorce are two different things. State law determines the process and outcome, and each state is different. However, in general, all states will put the child’s well-being and safety first, meaning that illegal drug use, trouble with the law, or the inability to provide for your child will factor into child custody.

Parents who struggle with substance abuse may have a difficult time meeting their child’s needs. Suppose a parent cannot provide a safe home environment, transportation to and from school, or feed their child. In that case, they may not be granted custody until they can provide food, shelter, safety, and education, in addition to seeking professional help for their addiction.

If there is light or moderate drinking and the parent can provide adequately for their children, custody issues may not be a factor. Some judges will require the parent to undergo counseling or therapy before custody is granted.

Co-parenting With An Individual With Substance Abuse Problems

Co-parenting is a difficult journey to navigate, regardless of addiction. Sometimes, co-parenting may not be ideal if one parent is still struggling with their addiction and is unable to care for or provide for their child. The child’s best interests should always be a priority, and it is important that the addicted parent is currently working towards recovery, meaning that they should have completed treatment or are currently undergoing treatment.

Sometimes, it may help the parents and the child to undergo counseling to help with co-parenting, expectations, and setting boundaries. Things to keep in mind when co-parenting with an individual who has substance abuse problems include:

• A child custody agreement should prioritize the child’s well-being and safety. A clause should be included in this agreement about sobriety testing and the consequences of relapse.
• Is the parent with an addiction in treatment and working on their recovery?
• What happens if the parent relapses?
• Can you rely on this person to be honest with you about their addiction?
• Does this parent put their child’s needs first?
• Is this parent trying to see their child and work on their recovery?
• Is this person a danger to themselves or others? Can you trust them? Does their mood and personality change rapidly?
• Is this parent agreeable to seeing a child therapist with their child?
• Do you have boundaries set in place?
• Is there required sobriety testing before the parent sees the child?
• Is there a potential third party involved during visitation?
• Are there consequences for violating any part of the custody agreement?

The answers to these questions can help you determine the next steps and necessary arrangements in divorce proceedings.

Getting Help For Yourself

When your spouse is in the throes of addiction, the last thing on your mind may be your well-being. However, addiction is a family disease. You may not even realize how much your mental and physical health has been affected by your spouse’s addiction. You must care for yourself by focusing on your mental and physical health. Ways to do this include:

• Maintaining your workout routine
• Seeking help from a therapist
• Reading a book
• Getting enough sleep
• Nourishing your body by eating whole foods
• Engage in hobbies and with people who bring you joy

If children are involved, it is essential to continue being a good parent, which can mean asking for help from your loved ones regarding childcare and household chores. You can also join community or online support groups for spouses with addiction.

Resources For Individuals Divorcing Someone With Addiction

While every situation is unique, there are resources and support groups for people who have gone through similar situations, including:

• Al-Anon Family Groups
• SAMHSA
• Couple Recovery from Addiction
• National Domestic Violence Hotline
• Recovering Couples Anonymous
• SMART Recovery Family & Friends
• Substance Abuse and Intimate Relationships
• The National Online Resource Center on Violence Against Women

Deciding to divorce due to addiction can be a complex and emotionally taxing decision that should be taken seriously.

It’s important to remember that people can recover from addiction when they are willing to put in the time and effort to get better. If you or your spouse are struggling with addiction and would like to seek treatment before discussing divorce, many options are available to you.

Find Treatment Today

If you or your spouse are considering getting a divorce on the grounds of a present addiction, consider an attempt at treatment first. For more information on treatment, speak to a treatment provider for free today. They can answer your questions about rehab, and help your spouse get enrolled in a licensed treatment center.